fetaman.com

Brinesanity – an abide jar, filled with all the fuqs given.

By

Bacon Masturbation, 31 days.

The Baconbate Experience (TBE)

It is hard today, with all of the traditional porn looking to stretch the limits and somehow engage the generation that was born to masturbate more.

It is what has helped quell wars, set nations back on the path of not burning ethnic people at the stake, so the condemned could be burned at the stake. It was a suffering that brought us to today, do you think heretics allowed you buy your bread fresh for at least 10 days if you keep the small plastic snap on the right way after the twist, as you wonder – should I jerk off, before of after this sandwich?

Sandwiches naturally produce the jerk off question.
Proven by the Gallop-Knuckle Pull, a pole by most other actions.

Please, let me cut to the chase.

Each of the following 31 moves were going to be used in a book, they may still be so, as I retain the right and the ownership of my content.

I had to prove that masturbating 31 times, in a single month (*easy by most standards, very actually) – but I had to do this with bacon, raw or cooked, in some manner.

It was the hardest $1,000 I had earned, but I figured. Few are actually given sperm donor wage, for chunking at home and taking the odd snapshot of bacon in Secret pantyhose. Don’t worry, there are 5 ways pantyhose are needed, and two involve boiling and cooling the bacon before jerking off with it.

Be warned.

This is not for the weekday horoscope crowd looking to justify a sad existence.
This is for those of us, the few, the bold, the pioneers.

The day someone defines how, when, what, where and why I am chunking the magic curtain in an epileptic fit of wax-on/wax-off…ko-knee-chi-wa.

  1. Marble ball; the bacon is pushed through an olive pitter, creating a creamier mix. The mash is pressed into 6 melon ball scoops that are dipped in liquid nitrogen to create small ben-wah balls threaded with floss. A flaming stick is inserted into the colon before the string is placed in, the Recipient needing to ask “why” it must be real may scream for help. This is religion for some.
  2. Salt Sponge; layers of coral sponge are sliced into equal size and strips of bacon, they are then woven together, and steamed in a dim-sum steam basket after they have been rolled in Judaic salt from the Dead Sea. It is critical that the fluid has tears from 6 virgins, 3 male/3 female, so that they remain blessed by the same God that allows them to think the sun rising on their corrupt factory is going to allow them to succeed. It is gently used over the sexual organs as various ancient languages are muttered by the practices of the freedom chosen.
  3. Squeezed Jam; in a crock pot, beer is allowed to be the primary Sea for the bacon to melt within. Doing so, allows the final jelly to be of a beautiful texture. Most tourists agree, or 7/10, that indeed the feeling is best described as “nutella in my soul” – please do not ask more about this, it is perhaps one of the worst ways to experience it, but it must be told. Thrice annually we speak of it, twice you have a choice to attend beyond vespers. Those are for the selected ones, and all have been pre-qualified with a medical exam.
  4. Bacon pads: large mounds of brisket are baked at varying temperatures to mimic the foam padding used in 1980’s high schools, hoping more machismo would fuel future generations of hope, Tom Cruise pre-Scientolichlamydius, and rancid NSA taps. *although dozens of other agencies need to be noted at STD inducing, and UCLA is expected to announce a Ghostbuster study about said bullshit, but only after the Cliff’s bar announcement is made. Arnold said he has more back now than ever, ola Pepe; By allowing small extensions in the corner of the pads, tickling items can cup the balls, or be wired for clit-action, and provide hands-free, public transit masturbation.
  5. Pork Swiffer; seriously, have to explain this? Put bacon on the bottom of the Swiffer, Mountain Scent is the best, and then proceed to mop the floor. Jizz, or squirt in front of you, then cook bacon when done. Give to neighbor you hate. Fucker needs to enjoy with alcohol free beer.
  6. Toes ‘n goes; using small origami folds, tiny Booklets of Bacon are left in the toes, during a shower. Not for the weak of heart, the water must be scalding and you can use Crisco or butter for the soap, but be liberal. In the Basque regions, scallops can be placed between the thicker toes, or the longer second/dominant toe that most men are said to own when they are fucking whipped, net weight not a factor. Deep Scottish roots claim, inhabitants of the moors used to bake bread in the sealed cracks of their asses, in ancient times, but Jacque Caruso did not find proof, although was deeply satisfied according to his handlers.
  7. Bacon Icecumber; the inner shaft of the cucumber is peeled to allow smooth (*can be skin on, but be aware of potential hemorrhoid implications if soothing balms are not available) interaction as the juice of the bacon wrap melts, along with the core. The key to making this “bacon baton” is the wrapping method, and either the Captain Morgan’s Spiced Bum method or the Tequila Meatworm approach work best.
  8. Giving the Cat Some ‘Tupper; a variation of the famed “Giving the Cat a Bath” sex move, it allows a small hole to be cut into a Tupperware bowl of appropriate size to fit the preferred piece of flesh be dipped, squeezed is just as important an adjective so use soft Tupperware, or Rubbermaid shit, you want to avoid cutting anything (*or choose to, but, fuck choice is a personal mandate) and have some fun with it. One note of interest, is that most people past certain ages fail to allocate enough space in the container for the SF (Sag Factor, or sulferus fuqnastiness) and should use the same system as paint, wallpaper, and upholstery by providing an extra 10-15% of their best estimate.
  9. OJ’s Bacon Coiler; another boiled approach. This one should involve a bacon bee-nest-bun approach for more effect. Think “I Love Lucy” hair, and Ricky ramba-Cuban. The only way to get sexy time in solitary, and do push ups, is to scream with each thrust, “This fit the bacon glove?” and push harder. White Bronco wallpaper would add for a wild trip on this approach, and not my thing, but fuck, no filter.
  10. Foreman Sear-it & Moan; a rather harsh approach to finding the line between different and bored, the participant wraps genitals in bacon and begins to gyrate to Wham, some going to the elaborate lengths of even going to the local discount grocer who has you take the garbage from the store for free instead of letting the Cardboard Monarchy charge ’em for the privilege so that you can create bathroom stalls in your kitchen or near a noted outlet. Closing in on the maximum temperature of the grill you desire, pre-squirt the hot plate – place genitals in Foreman. Slam it shut. Keeping in for long durations and being chained to the grease dish are all approaches you may want to discuss with your mistress/mister.
  11. Porky Klingon; using one of the dozens of pre-cut egg carton sections you have saved, hand painted, and dusted with Betty Crocker Frosting and candy bits, and using the thick blue elastic from the broccoli, thereby turning it into a Porky the Pig nose, gently sew bacon on to your ears in the form of a Klingon. Experience dictates you sew the first pieces on the counter, shape them, then use just a few piercings to minimize scaring and marking that may have you appear abnormal at the abattoir.
  12. Bacon Duster; using your favorite scent of Pine-sol, dip the bacon strips into the dilution after it has been tied firmly using fabric coated pipe cleaners. Note, some use color here, or go for the barbed style, decorate as you wish. Maids dress in relevant garb and dust the dirtiest parts first allowing any pieces that fall to be marinated in the sheets. Yes, plastic wrap was a good idea to mention heads up, but it may have prevented you from being so engrossed you can only now imagine that bacon being in a hollandaise lobster Benedicked.
  13. 007-F: *Classified*
  14. Bacon Battleship; floating barges of bacon, of various sizes and crispiness (*buoyancy, steerability, wave motion attributes that will come as close to plastic grids with holes on them, and a disposition to always think of masturbation conditions in das Boot) are in a bathtub. Bubble bath Islands can act as imaginary rock, or be tiny bubbles that can not stand the force of the shot from your “ballteship” or “haircraft carrier”.
  15. Oasis Sandpaper; adding some natural sand, if you wish, or simply using very crunchy bacon that has been Guerilla Glue(d) to cheesecloth. Various grits will be achieved based on size, temperature and duration of crisping the bacon. Purists of this technique cry at the “baconstardation” of those fucking bastards who do not cook the bacon naked. Camel noises are tribal, and various tones of them will denote if you should fear the faux cheese hump, or embrace it for the culture it contains. Creamy, dreamy culture.
  16. Princess Crown; good for either sex, this Crown can be pre-made and snap-deep fried, or can be baked around a mound made from tinfoil. Using various body parts of your self, or a 2nd knowing/unknowing party is ok, but make sure if you are moving beyond 1st person planning or involvement you have consent or a well soaked cloth from various dollar store solvents. Some say adding a pea under the mattress, pillow or cushion may add that extra royal diversion/dalliance.
  17. Pork Monk (Nun); a gown is prepared and dried in a constructed and blessed hut in the back yard. It is custom shaped, and although there are moments of elation, no official Rosary-gyrations are initiated until the first appearance of the full garb worn, usually on the first whole moon following the addition of the tassels. Often, this can be a swingers festival of sorts, and many different Monks and Nuns become possessed by the bacon, not inventing so much as incantationing some delicious uses for bacon few dare to examine. Some “nuns” enjoy crosses of sorts, and then send those off into the web, never sure where they end up – but the sweet, sweet details.
  18. Bacon Generals; one of my personal favorites because it allows me to pretend I worked for the NSA. Pre-record a series of direct commands that sound like you are in control of a series of flying documents that surround your current space, or the Air Tower Common Objective Control Zone (ARCOCZ). While showing a line up of bacon your Internet browser history, shout at them. As each begins to glaze over from your rage, insist they suck and should have found out more about Snowden before he left the Teflon coated fence perimeter.
  19. Bacon Keller; easy to say, hard to do. While desperately thumbing through a phone book, eyes covered in bacon and angrily stroking it, screaming – “Why did I have be born with the Keller-Bacon gene?”
  20. Da Tube; depending on experience, paper towel tubes can be used but you are cautioned to begin with toilet paper tubes. In a pair of black business socks, pulled to no lower than at least knee-cap, see how much bacon you can shove into the “cardboard” subway/tram along with your unit. In the case of orifice insertion, add some garlic and see how long you can “ride that tube” before dropping into a pre-greased muffin tin. Scoop pre-mixed okra/raisin muffin mix and clean up. Get to the recreation lounge before the opening Vanna wave. Remember the margarine and plastic knife for the TV tray in order to not miss vowel purchase tension as you hear their compliments. Fools.
  21. Sybian Pancetta; for the Robb Report masturbation aficionado, there can be very few holy pounds, and this custom machine not only has stainless steel tenderloin pans, pine tree/metallic/green/with round head bolt-screw things stained with eggnog, and variable convection wave prongs, but when flown to Spain in first class, and then transported as the only passenger in a Lamborghini driven by the sex of your choice, over 80% of purchases at this stage involve discrete interactions with the most famous drivers, Mario and Luigi. No coincidence, they have the same cocksmith as Ron Jeremy and Ron Burgundy. Ride at the tempo and duration of your choice.
  22. KBCO; Keep Boffin’, Chives On. Best timed with favorite posts on various Fuck-I-Wish-I-Was-21-Again websites, and various dairy product sales. Fresh chive/ettes are always preferred, but freeze dried, collagen infused or silicon injected/molded versions can be used for the lamer, or more remote followers of this cult like fascination.
  23. The Love Boat; a tribute to Isaac, the first globally loved, black, cruise bartender. Using black Secret pantyhose, thread the barbed end of the prepared curled bacon into the pre-shaped headpiece, create a glorious wig/fro and practice that wink. The same approach can be used for the more traditional crackers on the show, Julie, Doc and Captain Stabbing but with less glowing of soul.
  24. Bacon Receptionist; you can call the office, or the garage what you want – fuck, be an accountant for all I care. The essence of this is about making sure the Receptionist is dressed in the sweetest outfit you fetish for, and is made entirely of bacon. Various cuts, smoked varieties and even food color can make for the most surreal pork piñata you have left some extra spice in. Ability to handle dictation, or muffcrophone checks is a solid option.
  25. Baconboarding; a little bit of double on this one, and two groups posted the same word on the same day, at the same time, in what is argued to be the Prime Meridian Clock Adjustment case of the year. The first group insisted that is mimics the military style of abuse, and bacon that has been liquefied into contents that appear to have the texture of the stuff those girls had in the cup. Breathing becomes hard, and there is an aspect of hurried hope to climax at the right time, often the most riskier of the two, as it may involve a more immediate risk of death, or a desire to attend weekend porcelain doll festivals. Porkpaddles Inc, was incorporated on the day in question, and at the moment of releasing their entire online catalogue of bacon cured fetish paddles (*the Beavermelter, Brokeback Mount’em or Ojumba’s Big Saddam have become the top sellers) were greeted by a very odd Google result. The dispute remains open, but they agree to the Atlantic and Pacific Accord, a convention that allows Ocean’s to flow to their own pace.
  26. Crazy G. Lou; ‘Crazy’ Georgie Loukanikopoulos, CGL for short, was a big fan of John Belushi, known chronic masturbator in his father’s fleet of ice cream trucks, and even ended up having a move he was famous for being caught in, named after him. Lining the canal of a foe’s stolen sheep, or lamb, with convection oven moisture, he would sit back with a bacon/tinfoil hat on his head, singing old Greek village tales of lost loves, and lonely nights. To imagine how difficult this was, most normal sized males would have to strap on the equivalent of 32 lbs. of bacon.
  27. Puttin’ on da Bacon; squeezing into your old hockey uniforms, staring at old trophies and pucks from past glories, insert the Queen “We Are the Champions” cassette. Staring at your Slapshot poster, take on the roll of one of the players, or the coach, and proceed to strap bacon to your knuckles forming a CCM glove receptacle worthy of a Dr. Pepper and some late night sparks.
  28. Pin the Bacon on the Donkey; as easy as it sounds, just like the old birthday game we all remember, but this involves drawn shades, the bottom end of an old school cotton broom head with “x” amount of inches (*based on comfort, and desire for various textures) for inserting the mock tail, and then using bacon and as many clothes pins or hemming pins you are comfortable with using on the number of pieces you want to pin to yourself. In either, one of the two hands is going to be feeling like it is not yours, trust me.
  29. Mykonos Blunt; good for either, or any sides of the fence – a favorite for many hermaphrodites. Using a fine quality rolling paper (rice, hemp, bamboo) layer oregano, kush and bacon around the core of the “meat blunt”. Using suspender dental floss tied around the nipples if needed, load that smoke-ready rocket and pretend you are Survivorwo/man looking to make friction the heart and soul of your “OPA!”
  30. Beach Bacon Blanket; it is about rubbing that bacon blanket over the frosted glaze you placed on that beach of pubis. L’Oreal or Just for Men, frost to Annette or Frankie, but avoid the Brylcreem it can create a fungal infection. Women employing this technique on a beach have been reported to have cultivated pearls in various vaginal crevices, while men who have reported sensations similar to tooth sensitivity, but for the helmet of their unit.
  31. NASA Bacon; lay out the strips of bacon around the room of your choice, and light accordingly. Try to emulate the moon as close as you can, digital technology is more advanced than in 1969. Gluing multiple smart-phone boxes to the bottom of flip-flops in advance, with small tacks inserted to keep hold of the wax paper boot straps, which connect to an entire titanium* (*Reynold’s tinfoil, or a generic rip off you have pretended to smelt during episodes of any post-dinner time game show of choice) space suit. You can customize the suit with any stickers, or special prizes from the bottom of cereal boxes, even play some music. Care should be used with any of the Star Wars, Star Trek or Space Odyssey sound tracks.

Go on, hover over each day.

Just another small playlist of delights, sounds and small gigs.

Right?

*abide*

By

12:24 *active

AWI – mission engaged.

“In the name of The Gathering…”

Never was about how thick

Never was about how thick Todd was, it always appeared as though he was able to take it. Sure, he got angry, and was eccentric, reclusive – but he was happy when he wrote, when he told tales of the Fan, or the Clauses, the windows. To that smell of all that is alive, regardless of the season, the reason or the treason. Act according to self, the dice merely are advisors of restricted mind.

Almost past Angry, comes right after a bullshit cousin, Depression – you know, Depression is the weak one, Anger comes along and tells him to fuck off pretty quick. Then the sequence of events for a ‘real man’ is the arrival of the next one, this one a brother – Motivation comes and smokes a doobie with Anger, and he chills out and turns into his alter ego – Inspiration.

What is messed up, is that some people have that family and relationship thing all wrong. They are not ones that have chosen Depression, they lived through a life with it as a brother, or sister…this is a shame.

The choice, is now their own, and they are either going to break away from the curses of the heritage, or they are going to finally break free and choose to turn those things into distant memories of a family life gone bad, or the misfortune of fate on their professional lives, or the lacking of a true love – yes, all challenges, and all things we have all come to face at one point in time or another, and often in pairs, if not in random chains of connection that further fragment the epicenter of our lives.

No, one is to rise to the challenge of the day ahead, and has to bear witness to the misery of a dark night, or worse yet, an eternity of them strung together in the minutes that ticked by without you being near ‘her’, or ‘loved’, or able to make that million ‘dollars’.

Fuck it.

What the hell are we waiting for? Some kind of meteorite shower of solar system minerals smashed together like a plunger of rock and shit?

Nope. Not anymore, the time is now, and the day is today.

We all know this, and then struggle to get free from the bonds of the social stigma that accompanies these gyrations of fate, but some of us, no longer want to bear the cross of this chant uttered by the masses at their pews of disdain, and harsh, bitter bite from the poisoned tinge of another apple that was infected with cubicalitus sporeboredomii, a rancid parasite of global proportion, so much so, it has become what the everyman seeks…or so some say…

There is good healing and rejuvenation in the spirit and in the mind, when one is able to harvest from these fields of desperation, the seeds of tomorrow. Wild abandon be gone, these seeds are being planted again, and I am going to make that a field to believe in. I am going to have to get through some mud to do that, but I am going to do it.

I just don’t know when.

I do know how, but somehow, the sum is not the same.
Silly.

I know.
But then again, so do you.

So I am making this call to action a loud one, and a definitive one.

101012N – The Gathering

*abide*

By

To relatives.

The entire series, was almost a decade ago. You expect me to sit here, and be passive as my name and effort is slandered – I watch my own parade sunshine, your escapades are for others to deem interest worthy, or note scurvy. I stand by what I write, how I write, and for whom. Anyone, questions always welcome. You stare at the cover and wonder what the words mean, but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Then again, more than likely, I could give a fuq to hear it. *jar rattles*

Enthusiasm is relative. Not a relative. Make the mistake of thinking that you are married to some kind of blood kin, that is supposed to come rushing out of you like unbridled enthusiasm, and deep breath – and you are cooked.

Some like to take things to a point, and then are willing to walk away from them, even when there is residual value in them, they have become so exasperated by the struggle, but the effort, by the cause that may or may not have been treated with the fair and right regal attention it deserved, but then again, that is what has allowed us today to capitalize on the failures of the past.

The lessons they learned, from succeeding to move the bar, or the ones that were failures inspiring a new line of thinking, all the way to the one’s that have allowed us to see man truly flying on his own. In the air, on a prayer.

For the thrill, for the purpose.

To not be away from it. To peer at the thrill of it all, and know that life is worth living only when the seize of insomnia ask for no permission they know will never be granted.

Life is precious, in any regard.
Wake the fuck up and live it.
Today.
Now.

You are in a position that is “close to the edge”?

This is where success, separates from “them” who stand on the edge and don’t jump for the thrill.

Fucking pussies.
I was there.
Once.

Many times actually, but that is a collective once now.

The Man in the Arena, “if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I will not stop daring.
I will not stop trying.
I will not allow someone to just smirk at the sand.
I will not abide.
I will not try.

(licks pin on brine grenade, filled with belief every morning upon awakening, I carry it on me at all times, and reloads are always near by)

Each particle, each fragment – united, it becomes a greater force. A clearer image, filled with the pixels of purpose and the thorns to be rested on the weary head that must shield their eyes, their orifices, their very souls from the cerebral tsunami before them.

That is ok sunshine, stay in the concrete tent.
That is where your God has asked to stay, serve the rebar.

If you mix your effort with cloak, it will go awry He said, and still you decided to press. Remove the caramel and sugar coated textile from the tin, and dance with the sure grin on the fluoride tainted taste provide by the Machine.

Follow at your own will, and under your prowess.

Blessings, once aboden, become surety.

Bounties on the soul, with actions and flaming fuqtardation to espouse matrimony with mental mavericks or midgets.

Listen, to the call of the loon.

Disturbance or peace, is a reflection which remains, and always shall be – relative.

To health, happiness and prosperity – the last of which, is fully defined by ourselves. The old chicken, has the juice.

What kind of side dish you want served with that corn bread, ma’am.

*abide*

By

Here, the reign.

You hear the train a comin’
Just round the bend,
You know you won’t be sleeping,
When the IRS steps in.
Stuck in Fulsom Fed,
Euros or fine Yen.
But these papers keeps a-rollin’,
Down to Variance.

When I was just a new curd,
My Momma told me, “Feta,
Abide as a good cheese,
Don’t ever play with olives,”
But I shot a man in Athens,
Just cause I heard ‘em lie.
Since I hear that thistle howlin’,
Gus’s alibi.

I get there’s rich folks cheatin’,
Prestige kontiki bars,
Probably dunkin’ choda,
Troughin’ meat cigars.
But I know they had it comin’,
I know they can’t be me.
Still those people keep a-cheatin’,
It’s what tortures thee.

Greed freed me from a prison,
Road tracks made of brine,
So I check bet just a Skittle,
Satan shoves all in. Blind.
Leavin’ Fulsom Fed,
Got my papers today.
Said abide’s not a lonesome whistle,
It blows their blues away.

*abide*

 

By

This is how flying was invented.

Naked honesty.

When reflected upon and in a retroactive basis, is wild.

Beautiful and mesmerizing. Shanked by the sharpened edges of the social norm, restricted from being provided in the state of nature man was born into, for it would drag us back to the cave to be beaten.

Suffering fools, chained to the anomaly of convention sold as a bill of goods by the piper.

I wish that experience on so many, but alas – for a variety of reasons, and some within their control with others not so much so, they will never get to feel the rush of creating something so real and passionate that taking it down would be the sin, not posting it in the first place.

Sorry is the man that has never felt the rush of a solid sequence of syllables in a wave of emotion that brings him to tears, listening to the darkest of the memories tell him of the night hell broke loose and decided to bend your ear and hold your hand.

You held it back.
It was a wild night.
Do it again, I would.

Hollow is a life that is posted on a “timeline” and never reflected on again, wondering how the tree is worshipped and the memories that have made it so are forgotten to the fruits seen to be able to be harvested each year from a branch that would melt minds if it could reach into a garden of another kind.

But it can.
We can.
It does.

Gus does.

I am so unbelievably, fantastically, and cosmically stoked it is not even funny what a surreal trip this is. I am shaking with joy and emotion, at a level that is magical.

That is no lie.
That is alive.

That is fuck cancer, fuck cowards, wake up and live – alive.

No machine, no cubicle, no green grass only – orange grass.
Alive.

Where other’s see misery, and pain, and misfortune…I see opportunity.
To live, and be free from the thoughts and the illness, and ailments that want to consume me.

They shall not, but I offer them my soul and my life selflessly at the will of Abide.
If that is what it sees fit for me, then so be what I see fit for me.

To the ages of ages.

Reciprocity in piece, and being.

If you had made millions, and wanted to pursue a dream – would you?

Really?

Good, nice to meet you.

Me too.

*sip

Get ready, ’cause if you want the ticket I got one.

Enjoy the ride.

Υγεία, Φιλία kai θρησκεία
Egia, Filia kai Thriskia. 

“Health. Friendship. Faith.” is what many would get from a dictionary.

What I get out of that, well…it may not be as interesting as what Gus does.

The grass. It is orange.

*abide*

By

Albedo fingertips.

Albedo.

Reflection coefficient or, range?

Fingertips made of the same sensation.

Water.

Rushing, can’t stop.

It has been a trip – to get here.

To release the pounds.

Fucking.

Gus.

What a beautiful trip – the sheer, majesty of it.

Glorious really.

Breath taking.

A story based on fiction, that is fact? Factual account turned to reveal the reflections of a man in those moments the glorious waves just tumble and turn, providing us a moment to be thankful?

*sip

The journey was delicious, and it still is.

“There was never meant to be oil in the branch. It comes only from the olives offered at the table.” – Gus

*abide*

By

Go on, tell me no.

*abide*

By

Sidecar for Lebowski.

“Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heartache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. there is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there.” Henry Miller

When there were no achievers to be found, you could always rely on Mortenesq.

There in his sober stool, looking like he was displaced as his walk on roll in the Big Lebowski was. In the end it always worked, just like just about anything he said. He was right so often, that those in the know understood there was no you at the end of his name unless you got to put it all together.

Don’t worry, he will give you time to think about it.

His stare was enough to once convince an entire convention of judges vying for the prestige of being a judge at the Westminster Kennel Club that cropped tails were bullshit and would no longer be tolerated in the world’s most prestigious event. There was some dissension in the crowd, but he quickly handled it with copious amounts of factual evidence that gay porn is what had corrupted the Club’s reputation and he was here to scoop it up, and he furiously equated it all to the making of the Jacob Two Two movie.

That is what he did.

Fucked with heads, but it was his that fell that day.

It was an odd chance meeting that is seldom seen in this time in age, when people are too busy focussing on themselves or handing out stars and virtual kudos to all for the great talent. They have to string together some of the most painful things to read, but the wind cries Mary and castles fall into social network sands. The ewe won.

Partially.

He was cleaning his mirror. Mortenesq was famous for having won a mirror at a fair in the Red Light district of Amsterdam. Having played some black shoe polish air pistol rugby with a clan of window magician muses, the magic abide mensch stopped to clean the smudge prints from the glass. He had some chocolate fudge on the the fingers the last he looked at this prize possession, and he smiled as he always did looking into the time and time again winner of the Man of the Year award.

Achievement had rewards, and he lapped them up.

The elbow patch on the llama wool sweater was best, and so he had to bend a little and the bullion rope chain was long enough to accommodate. He would always tell people laid end to end the chain and his meat rope are longer than a reefer just to see their looks. Regardless, as he turned slightly…there she was.

The most beautiful sidecar in the world.

It was a pageant, and in fact, Lebowski agreed. You could tell, because whenever he did, there was always just a fragment of the story, you know, in the same realm as good ass-kicking sex. The waft just lingering, a scent of something there – is this a story about but sex with a dog named Lebowski? Would be an interesting take on a diversion one would think, but what the fuck? The video is about Character Analysis on social media platforms. Some kind of allusions with parachutes and shit, what the hell – next are we going to hear more about the man on the moon set?

It was a fucking magic sidecar.

It was entirely hand carved, and it was made of the finest rare white bread pine Norway had to offer. It had been lovingly, and somehow perhaps even touched by elves at one point in time, been brought by a sled of unicorns to an artisan’s shop where it could be carved into this.

A giant wooden clog.

There was even a paw sized bell in the shape of a smaller clog, no shit. It had been designed by the eccentric artisan with one goal in mind.

Allow it to meet the man that it was destined for.

Please, do not think the story is any spite directed at women not being worthy or capable of sidecars. Not in the slightest. When interviewing him it was clear, the ones he had built for women were just as keen of an eye as this – but he knew, as Mortenesq had. It had been made for him.

There was a dashboard inlay just underneath the electronics array, and it had to have held the most spectacular crystal configuration seen to date. It all folded out into what was a bowling lane, and the mixer was an ivory ball that had been carved from the bones of criminals that had wasted tax payers money on prison appeals for bullshit causes, just to save their lives. It was perfect, he had contributed a shit tonne of that, much like every fucking Maple Leafs fan that was born after the last cup has tasted the boot and flesh heels on hallowed Yonge street tar, despite now hating the team, they have an earned right on that band wagon.

“Several NASA scientists experimented with some of the Fetaman’s invisible brown acid one day, and we came up with the glasses.”

Bowling fucking pins.

Gems.

Each one, different like some kind of perfect Ritzenhoff crystal uberstein designed for eating sloppy sandwiches and discovering potato field alleys behind embassies and hued metals.

Esplanades.

Grand visions, and to think this one…it held a small hose.

He could not help but smile.

“Yes, it allows an ice cube in the chamber, and the bowl carries no more or less than one 20 second draw. The tongue tip is made of the melted cassette’s used during all the Sony Walkman scenes.”

There was no explanation for what happened next.

It was as if, picnic tables reigned thunderous applause for the ages meeting the ages.

This was not an ordinary golf tournament, no.

This was Master Class.

Monks in white satin.

His robe flowed.

It is not often, if ever one is able to see creatures float in unison. But what happened next, is what Logan’s Run fans dreams are made of.

A regeneration of humanity and art.

The Mortenesq made it clear.

We loved him for it, and even more so today.

That is just the way it is.

*abide*

 

By

Buffett On Acid.

The wizard came up in the daily readings.

So I have decided to honour some of the requests and include some shorter pieces, that will have the readers of the site and the engaged Twitter heads et al, enjoying some of the observations. It has been a request, and I figure that since I am using the creative side of the miles walked to get to the end of the book that is being published, why not just hop over here and make sure to note some of the “logic” behind the tweets.

Brilliant, hard to understand all the time, but genius” is a great compliment to flatter any ego, and I have fought hard to not be such a blatant “self-promotion” machine, but fetaman.com is a site that has been created, and kept whole to illustrate the range of writing, and various styles along with media, so as to ensure that it has some co-operative and reactive elements to it.

Books can be so static and don’t allow for more of the interactions, as such, how about some “common thoughts” or pokes and prods at what the tweet was intended to mean, and where it may take another on the journey in their own minds according to what I may be able to see from this awesome Herman Miller. (*shameless plug on how great the product is, and more importantly the amazing team at Design Within Reach that not only helped provide it, but have made sure to keep it serviced and sorted. Yes, that is right. An ergonomic cloud, that actually has jet packs that hover over the atmosphere, much like the attitude of Andrew and Jen, two great team members that are rock solid. No there is not “compensation” received for this plug, it is just part of what happens to come out of the writing at the time, and maybe will help see the “social ethics” of passing on good information, and pro-active stuff, not only the negative stuff)

So here are some of my thoughts, on a respected mentor. Consider all of my good fortune in the roast, please or do not consider it all. For to do it an injustice, would be to do the same to the intent of the respectful prod and admiration that is bestowed in the musings of a man, made of feta cheese.

Quite the fuqtarded piece of cheese at that.

*sip

The illusion of eternity, or the concept of it becomes a bit of place from which to consider all things. Especially relevant during the “invisible brown acid” stages of the adventure, this concept of space and time melts into a need to find great joy in the simplicity of things. If an egg beater has value when beating eggs, then it must also have just as much value or more perhaps in other things, and as such, I am going to hold this until such time as I can find a way of proving that the return on my investment, is the memory. Never undervalue that.

The “hand tossed” of the bread business is just not generic enough. It is lovely to consider at home, but at the Buffett home price is always the object. Said price is always a “wonderful” (*man uses this word a lot, always in awe of life, well played – truly makes the magic carpet ride a better one.) gauge for the “value” derived from it, and that value is not only the digestion of the bread, but the items that are the byproducts of the sale of it.

Always aware of his time, and even more so, the limit of it regardless of who you are, allows this one to bring out a bit of a smirk. To have tripped balls so hard you can not only not see the watch, but you logically begin to discover some small feelings of paranoia related to not being aware of time, and that just takes you further into the rabbit hole? Pretty soon tea with the rabbit is a reality for all, whether he is a single pipe smoking rabbit or not, that remains to be seen. Is Warren the pipe smoking rabbit?

This has so many levels of delicious that it should have you Googling for the word “MLACH” – it is a 5 letter word for good tasting. It is dated, but it is delicious during times of festive diversion. Who bribes? Them, or him? Is the swimming with sharks, or in a pool? Is this a figurative swim, or a literal one? Wait a second, Michael Moore did that film on the corruption side of corporate America and he proved that today the banks are not giving out guns anymore, that is politically incorrect, so it is brides then right? *sip

If you are too young to need to get a reference about the Grateful Dead, that is all I can say to bring you up to speed. Futures and core longevity plays are his gig, he is not one to go fast on just about anything except paper. He loves to go fast and furious on paper. It is the modern chess masters pawn, and the simplicity of it does not diminish the compound rice applications across the board of a simple 64 square plate. Not a game of kings at all. Nope, not at all. Nor is math.

Sheeple, the concept of latin with business to create a new term that almost always work if you have the right situation, context and delivery. I am sure that Warren does not use talc like normal people. He has made allusions to unicorns to many times, and it is clear. He actually uses unicorn dust on his balls to keep them dry at all times. At the end of the day, he has 13 of his pupils arrive to map and scope the tea bag readings from the day. All of the results are gathered into empirical data pivot tables, and matrix macro gyrations facilitate the next days trading activities.

I know, it all sounds weird.

I can imagine, you think just because it is Friday, I am on this invisible brown acid again.

Well, not entirely.

I am never off of it.

It is what I signed up for when I got my life back.

Go on, shake it.

It’s just a fetaglobe.

*abide*

By

A wild thing, choice.


The woe, a man kind, wore her golf suit and made mischief of many binds

and a bother

her mother called her “WILD THING!”
and Man said “I’LL BEAT YOU UP!”
so she sent her to bed without eating anything.

That very night in Man’s room a rave grew

and grew –

and grew until her ceiling hung with JBL chords
and the walls became the world’s woofers

and an ocean tumbled by with a private vowel for Man
and she sailed off staves through night and ray

and in and out of creeks
and almost over her tear
to where the wild things danced

And when she dug tattoo anchors ashore, where the wild things are
they scored their terrible roars with gnashed, lies and terrible feats

and pills rolled their terrible sighs and bowed to their terrible clause

till Man said “BE STILL!”
and tamed them with the magic click-click barber trick

of glaring into all cracked and mellow eyes without blinking once
and they were enlightened and called her the most wild thing of all

and made her king of all the lie things.

“And now,” cried Man, “let the parade-a-lumpus start!”

“Now drop!” Man said and sent the wild things off to the house lounge
without their water. And Man the king of all the lie things was bonely
and wanted to be where someone could loved her best of all.

Then all around from far away across this cold world
she smelled good things to eat
so she gave up being king of lies, and the wild things star.

“Guts,” the wild things cried, “please don’t go—
we must eat your up inside – we love you so!”
And Man said, “No!”

The lie things roared their terrible oars and thumped their terrible feats
and rolled their horrible aye’s and showered their cancerous applause
but Man stepped into his private boat and fishes waved good-bye

and sailed back through many a fear
and in and out of words she speaks
and view some hay

and into the sight of her very own room
where she found her happiness waiting for her

and it was still hot.

*an invisible brown acid re-write, of Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.